I had a pretty good day today. Everything went smooth for the most part. Life is full of experiences, I'm glad I have people behind me for all of them, the good and the bad.

School wore me out today. Still going out to try and fix things, we'll see what happens. I start counseling next week maybe it'll help things start to work.

Really?

In school we learned about depression and suicide and I have 6 of 7 symptoms. Told my parents, and they laughed. Glad they care. That's fucking pathetic. "Get over yourself and stop being depressed."

Another Year

In 8 hours and 33 minutes I will start my junior year of high school. Drama, drugs, and another year of pretending to give a fuck. I'm really not looking forward to this year because I just started to enjoy my summer, I got the boyfriend, the friends, and my drivers license. On the bright side I get to see my friends again and it gets me out of the house. I guess we'll see how this goes, it's going to be a year like none of the rest I can tell. Honestly, I'm a bit worried about how things will play out. Let's hope for the best!

I am a Waste

When life gets you down what escape do you have? Lately I've been finding myself sleeping all day long in order to escape from reality and myself. I'm 16 years old and unsatisfied with myself and my life. My question is, what will I go to when sleep isn't enough? Do I step to drugs, alcohol, or sex? No matter what I do I'm always going to wake back up and fall into my pit of existence not feeling good enough for this world. NO matter how hard I try I'll always bee back in this situation, this feeling, this helplessness. What will I go to that will end this feeling? What is my permanent escape? The only answer I can find is death. An eternal slumber that I'll never wake from. I'll never have to wake back up into this state of unsatisfactory. The only question is, when will I reach my limit to make ma actually do it?

What Am I Doing?

Have you ever stopped and said to yourself, "What am I doing?" and not been able to give yourself an answer? Or how about had a total freak out and feel the need for an escape?
I'm in the middle of my freak out. One time my mom said to me, "Well college isn't for everyone. Except you, you have to go to college." (Later I found out she just told me this so I wouldn't join the marine corps band) I will never forget the conversation because I have never felt so pressured into doing something. Maybe I don't want to college! It's not that I don't really want to go, it's just that I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't really even see the point because I'm not going to amount to anything in my career. I'm never going to be that hero that I want to be for people. This year I will be a junior in high school, I have two more years to figure out what to do. I can never figure out what to wear in the morning, how am I supposed to figure out what I want to do? I have to go to college, I have to be successful. Why? Because it's expected and if I don't I'll be letting down my whole family. Hell, my dad won't even let me go to Northern Kentucky University because he doesn't think it's good enough. But my father is a future blog post.
I've found myself in this twist of thoughts on my educational future many many times and it bothers me because I feel like no matter what I do I'll never pick the right choice and it'll never be the right one. What's my escape? Right now it's sleeping and thoughts of running away but never doing it. But once sleeping isn't good enough what is my escape going to be? My eternal escape would be suicide. Ending my life would solve all my problems but cause many more problems for the people around me which is the last thing I want.
Death is another thing that bothers me. Recently I went to a funeral with my dad and his new fiance. I didn't know the man that died and my dad didn't know him very well either but as the preacher was talking I looked over at dad and he was about to cry. (I'm positive my dad is afraid of death) I sat there and observed everyone crying around me and it made me realize that I don't want there to be tons of people crying over me when I die. Then again, I don't want to die and go unnoticed. So do I make good of my life and hurt tons of people when I die or do I slip under the radar so hardly anyone will hurt and miss me?